Wednesday, 15 August 2018

Happiness, Weight Gain & A New Relationship

This time last year I was one big emotional wreck.

This summer I'm the happiest I think I've ever been.

This time last year I was in a very unhappy relationship. My anxiety levels were extremly high. I felt worthless and disregarded and found it difficult to concentrate on anything. Bearing in mind I was in my first year of university and my entire time was occupied by the negativity of my relationship at that point. I spent the majority of my time asleep as it was an easy way to cope with the stress and the only way I could shut out anxiety. Despite this I was eating healthy, working out daily and physically feeling fit. But my physical happiness was always contradicted by my mental state. Part of my physical challenge was in fact spurred by the difficult relationship. For some stupid ass reason I thought if I lost weight and got into shape it would sort out my relationship issues. Obviously I couldn't have been more wrong. But being physically healthy helped me through the process.
Fitness being a good outlet for stress and the healthy eating side gave me something I could focus on, new recipes, editing and changing them to suit my student budget.

The past 9 months have been crazy. It has probably been one of the best years of my life. After ending my relationship, I hit the bottle hard. Not because I was struggling but because I was finally going out and being selfish for a change. In hindsight it was a stupid thing to do. I should have focused on university but instead my social life came first. And as bad as it may have been, I loved every minute of it (maybe not the hangovers...).

I started to pull my socks up. Stop drinking (as much). And began to get on with my uni work. I was happy just doing my own thing, living my single life.

My group of friends solidified. This year I became really close friends with a handful of girls on my course who I absolutely love to pieces. I spent alot more time with the people that mean the most to me. And got back into the things I love doing, things I didn't even realise I'd abandoned until recently.

I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship. I was happy with my friendships and my own company. And then BAM. Out of nowhere... He appeared.

Everything started to piece together. It just sort of gradually happened. And despite the fact it's come out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks, I couldn't be happier. I won't get mushy... but sweet lord he's well alright!
He's come along and as a result all my future plans have been sabotaged. My life plan is having to be re-evaluated but I'm much more excited about this one!

However, there has been a flip. My happiness concerning my physical being has decreased, but my emotional being has increased drastically.

My new relationship has been built on a foundation of food. Going out for dinner, staying in and stuffing our faces with chocolate and eighty quid on Deliveroo orders, late night McDonalds during all nighters at the library... and so the pounds crept out of my bank account and onto my waist line.
And now, I have a wedding fast approaching,  a bridesmaid dress I need to get into, a holiday that's already arrived.

But some extra chub is easier to shift than toxic relationship and aload of anxiety. It just takes discipline (that I don't have), and time. I suppose you can call it 'happy weight'. And I'd much rather have a few extra pounds than a constant battle with anxiety.

In comparison to this time last year I feel completely different. I never dreamed I could have turned my life around in the space of a year.

So overall my New Years Resolution of "No Boys!!!!" went straight out of the window. As did my "year on my own". But to sum in up in the cheesiest phrase of all; I wouldn't change it for the world.




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